"Believe in yourself and you can accomplish anything."
Sometimes I roll my eyes at these statements with such ire, I feel sorry that I've become such a sourpuss. Yet, in my current state of affairs, I can't help but wonder if my generation has been somewhat misled. Maybe we've been taught to have too much confidence in ourselves, so we desire nothing less than a life extraordinary. Or maybe because we're told we can "be anything" we can't follow one solid trajectory. As it stands, folks in their 20's are taking longer to achieve the markers of adulthood (career, marriage, kids). If you read this article in the NY times, then you've heard this before. The article features a psychologist who proposes that our 20's is a distinct stage of life called "emerging adulthood." Emerging adulthood is largely marked as a period of ambivalence. You feel like an adult, but at the same time, not really. You feel certain that all your goals will be achieved, yet you have no certainty on how you'll accomplish this. (Hmm...sounds familiar.) So what propels us into adulthood? Is it the realizing of our dreams, or the realizing that our dreams are impractical and we need to get a "real" job in order to make money, have stability, and acquire half the things we want?
I grew up with the notion that I was destined to be special. Until I was about 8 years-old, I assumed there was some unseen audience watching my every move with vested interest (much like "The Truman Show"). Even when I realized this wasn't the case, I still felt that someday people would be glad they knew me. All I needed was for someone to recognize my special light and I would be catapulted into fame and success. Of course, as I got older, I realized this wasn't true. I had to create my own success. So after overcoming much fear of judgement and the unknown, I decided to move to LA to become an actress. All I needed was determination, enthusiasm...talent (or something)....and I would succeed, right? I can achieve anything I set my mind to!
Yeah...it hasn't been as easy as that. My first couple years in LA, I was so thrilled by every audition, opportunity and experience, I couldn't imagine ever tiring of it. I was pursuing my DREAM and it felt amazing. But as time went on, the parking tickets, disappointments, and bills, bills, bills piled up. And what more strange, now there were yearnings for marriage, babies and a nice home. Creepy! Suddenly, the pursuit of happiness was no longer enough. Sure, I had an agent, a few commercials and some short films under my belt, but outwardly my life wasn't any different from when I started (still broke as hell). I was not the successful actress I thought I would be and to top it off, I had added new dreams and desires that didn't seem to coincide with the path I was already on. So, what's a girl to do? Do I keep pursuing my acting dreams and have faith that because it's what I want, I will eventually achieve it? Or maybe the mantras aren't true and I could be missing out on some perfectly lovely experiences for fear of being ordinary.
I used to nanny for two little girls with big personalities. I'll call them Al and Ro for privacy's sake. These girls were sisters. Al was the younger. She was care-free, imaginative and well-liked. Ro was outspoken and determined (difficult). They were enrolled in a summer camp that culminated in a play performance for family and friends. Al's age group was performing 'Finding Nemo' and Ro's was doing 'Aladdin' (somehow I doubt they got the rights from Disney, but moving on...). I went to pick up the girls at camp after the day of auditions. When I arrived, Al was happily chirping with some friends, while Ro was nowhere to be found. After a bit of searching, we found her sobbing in the grass. I went over and gave her a hug.
"What's wrong? Did something happen?"
"I..*sob*...didn't....*sob*...get the part...*sob*...of Jasmine!" she blubbered.
"Oh RoRo! I'm so sorry. But no matter what part you got, you're still going to shine onstage."
"BUT I WANTED TO BE THE STAAAAARRR!" she screamed.
"Ok, just calm down. There are no big or little parts in a play. Every person is equally important."
"THAT'S NOT TRUE!" she bellowed.
"Yeah," Al chimed in, "because I'm the star of my show."
"Al, I just said, there are no 'stars'."
"But the show's called 'Finding Nemo' and I'm Nemo," she said quite simply. I could only blink at her. Ro started to scream again...
"I DESERVE the part of Jasmine because I wanted it the MOST!! I wanted it more than anybody, and they gave it to someone else!!"
"Ro, don't you think she wanted the part as well?"
"NO!! I WANTED IT MORE THAN ANYBODY! SO I DESERVE IT! DON'T I?! DON'T I?!!!"
At this point, she was beyond hysterical and I was without words. How could I explain to an 8 year-old that just because you want something, it doesn't mean you deserve it. And sometimes, even when you deserve it, it doesn't mean you'll get it. Of course, in the midst of her hissy-fit, no explanation would have mattered, but years later I still don't have an answer. Why did everything come so easily to Al, while Ro tried and tried, but to no avail? Why do I see friends and classmates on TV and billboards, while I hack away at the same non-union commercials and barely make rent? Maybe the reality is, some of us are meant to be stars and some of us are not, and the quicker we realize this, the better off we'll be.
So how do we know? I have a burning desire, I submit for roles daily, I've studied in class, put in money for headshots, casting workshops on and on ....and yet, it doesn't seem to be working. I'm angry...and heartbroken. I'm not sobbing in the grass, but some days, I might as well be. I want so badly to say, "That's it. I'm over it. I'm ready for something new," but I can't. The only thing that's keeping me here is the belief I can do it. I BELIEVE I CAN DO IT! Is that part of my training, ingrained in my head after seeing one too many posters in gyms and the school nurse's office? Or is it something more than that? The only thing I know for sure is that if you don't believe in yourself, you'll have a hard time finding anyone else who will. Maybe it's a symptom of being in my 20's, but I still believe I can achieve all my dreams...I just don't know how the hell I'm going to do it.
